Humor

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain I'm at a New Year's party with a bunch of friends, most married. Midnight is approaching, and I'm holding the tallest Bombay Sapphire and tonic I can find, because I haven't found Miss Next. A married friend remarks. "Dude, who are you going to kiss at midnight?" "No idea." "Why don't you mingle and find someone?" "Maybe I don't see anyone I'd like to kiss." "Hey, beggars can't be choosers." "Neither can married men." "But..." "Careful, lad. You don't want to confess infidelity to a writer." "I'm not. I'm just saying, if I wanted to kiss another woman, I could." "Right, and you might be caught and forced to pay the consequences, which would be more significant than mine." "So, you like being alone because it's safer." "Single. I like being single, because it offers nearly limitless opportunities." "What about the sex?" "Really? You want to go there? How long have you been married?" "Never mind. Enjoy your drink, nice guy." I am nice-to a fault. Then, after being poked enough times, I stray into naughty land. Although I know it's what many women prefer, I can't seem to transform myself into a bad boy. I witness bad boys treating women badly. Often, these women complain to me about it. Then, I watch them walk away from me, and swoon back into the beast's arms. Insanity, if you ask me. This is what makes me fall from niceness. Women constantly saying they want one thing, while selecting the other. Women don't want to fuck nice guys. Women want bad boys to fuck them. There's only one way to describe it: Nice Guy FAIL.

"Only a calamity will force me to cook," I declared."Be careful what you wish for!" Mamma warned. When Kasturi Dasgupta's Indian hometown goes into lockdown, she becomes a captive of her own family. Subject to their constant suggestions that she lose weight and eat more healthily, Kasturi is faced with a choice: couch potato or chef?She chooses the latter.Fueled by her love of travel, Kasturi decides to explore the globe...one recipe at a time.But cooking in the midst of a global pandemic is far from easy. With supplies dwindling by the week, Kasturi must turn to different cultures and unusual flavor combinations to utilize her limited ingredients to their full potential.As Kasturi starts to share her creations with colleagues and friends via social media, her home kitchen steadily gathers momentum: Café Lockdown is born.Part cookbook, part memoir, Café Lockdown chronicles Kasturi's culinary escapades with a wry sense of humor and an infectious enthusiasm for cooking. Mouth-watering recipes are surrounded by hilarious family banter and gentle self-discovery, inviting readers to re-create the Dasgupta's adventurous family dinners in their own kitchens.From rich Russian borscht, to spicy Jamaican beans, to the subtlety of Japanese udon noodles, revel in the diversity of global cuisine as you travel through 21 countries from the comfort of your dinner plate.SCROLL UP AND GRAB YOUR COPY TODAY!

Conversations with Pop is a series of flash fiction stories between a father and his son as they discuss Pop's unique take on life while he imparts some of his "wisdom" to his son on everything from reading, driving, social networking, technology, and the way things used to be.

This fun and short book offers 101 acceptable moments when it's probably okay to tell a lie.Can you think of another acceptable moment not given in this book? Share it using #WhenItsOkay. Simply post a picture of the book cover on your favorite social media platform, include #WhenItsOkay, and tell us your acceptable moment.By utilizing the hashtag for this series, you can find other interesting insights and stories given by people who are free and independent...or selectively apathetic.Don't hold back! Tell us your own unique acceptable moment. You just might help someone out or make someone's day.**************************Don't forget to check out our mindfulness guides on Amazon - Look for author page Harper Daniels or search for one of our guides listed below. You can also link to them through 30DaysNow.com, @30daysnow.Our fun, simple, and effective mindfulness guides for personal and professional growth are: 30 Days to Stop Giving a Shit30 Days to Overcome a Shitty Job30 Days to Stop Apologizing30 Days to Reduce Depression30 Days to Reduce Anxiety30 Days to Overcome FOMO30 Days to Overcome Guilt30 Days to Overcome Shame30 Days to Overcome Regret30 Days to Stop Being an Asshole30 Days to Overcome Loneliness30 Days to Reduce Stress30 Days to Overcome a Toxic Relationship30 Days to Overcome Fear of Failure30 Days to Overcome Fear of Rejection30 Days to Stop Being a Shopaholic30 Days to Stop Being a Shitty Boss30 Days to Overcome Procrastination...and many more via Amazon...Please don't forget to leave a review...and your own unique "when it's okay to lie" moment.

If you're looking for cleaner jokes and funny cleaners jokes you've certainly come to the right place.Do enjoy these cleaning puns and gags, and although some of them are old, but some of them are new, and while we don't want to hammer the point too much, we think you will enjoy these sparkling jokes. We hope you enjoy our bumper collection of the very best cleaners jokes and stories.

"Our laughter makes our world a happier place!" This lighthearted look at health and humor takes a look at real life absurdities for seniors using the author's ethnically diverse cartoons and real life experiences. Its purpose is to help those over 55 rediscover joy and fun in life. Humor is a way to cope with hope and survive feeling that this magnificent gift of life is worth the trip. And it is. One should never miss a day thanking God for breath and the ability to smile and laugh.

Bacon + Poetry for literature and music lovers who like surreal humor.In this collection of parody verses, 120 of the greatest poets and musicians show us that bacon is more than a delicious food. Bacon is a universal symbol that offers life lessons about love, sex, religion, heaven, hell, and everything in between."There is more bacon in heaven and earth, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy." - William Shakespeare

Azalea Bolton's stories take you on a journey through her life, from childhood's simpler days of bicycle riding beside the family dog and into adulthood with a life-changing blind date and memorable vacations. Her stories and memories will make you long for the days of yore.

Will Date 4 Food is a fun-filled guide for single girls with an appetite and for women who have a history of supporting their starving artist boyfriends or deadbeat husbands. This is not a book about how to manipulate men, it's a self -help book to help women learn to love their fellow man and stop picking up the check.

All aboard, all aboard!Get your tickets, if you dare, for a hysterical voyage of mirth and merriment aboard the Titanic Book of One Liners, awash with a calamitous cargo of hundreds of rib-tickling original jokes and puns, sprinkled with the odd smattering of age-old classics.Guaranteed to go down a treat, you'll discover oceans of good, clean fun, ammunition aplenty to deliver an endless barrage of hilarious broadsides upon unsuspecting family and friends. Victims will be at sea, steaming for port, desperately trying to fathom the source of the onslaught, blissfully unaware it's merely the calm before the storm. And all you'll need to do to continue the punishment is sit back, relax, and slowly turn the page... Thar she blows, shipmates; how can you possibly go wrong with jokes like these...I went to see a comedian called Humpty Dumpty. Honestly, he was so off the wall.I went to bed Sunday night and woke next morning to find myself surrounded by dozens of cartoon bears, singing The Bare Necessities. It was a bad case of Monday morning Baloo's.Egg and a sausage in a frying pan. Egg says: Warm in here, innit? Sausage says: I didn't know eggs could talk!I phoned the police after a lorry shed its load of cutlery outside our house. Asked where exactly, I said, turn left at the fork in the road... This bloke tried to sell me a mountain for £10,000. I told him it was a bit steep.I went to the surgery, complaining of double vision. Doctor Hourihane and Doctor Hourihane couldn't have been more understanding.I went to the chemist and that woman was in again, the one who used to work at McDonalds. I said, a box of laxatives, please. She said, to go? I said, what do you think...?So I said, who had a number one hit with Tiger Feet? Mud! came the reply. I said, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right...I keep thinking I'm an ostrich. I know I'm going to have to face up to my problem sooner or later. I can't keep burying my head in the sand.Muhammad Ali figurine for sale. £50 ono. Not boxed.

Sudoku Rätselbücher für Erwachsene einfach bis mittelschwer600 Rätsel, einfacher bis mittlerer Schwierigkeitsgrad für Erwachsene mit LösungenDetails zu diesem Sudoku Buch:: Viele Sudoku Rätsel: 600 SudokusGrößerer Druck als die meisten ZeitungenEnthält Anweisungen, Techniken und Profi-Tipps für AnfängerEinfach abreißen und überallhin mitnehmenAlle Lösungen im Anhang Macht ein tolles Geschenk zum Geburtstag oder zu anderen Anlässen.Diese Sudoku Rätselbücher für Erwachsene Einfach bis Mittelschwer bringt viele Stunden Spaß und Vergnügen für Erwachsene. Jedes Rätsel wird mit einer Lösung auf der Rückseite geliefert, für den Fall, dass Sie nicht weiterkommen und ein wenig Hilfe benötigen. Dieses Sudoku Buch enthält auch Anweisungen zum Lösen von Sudokus und Profi-Tipps, damit jeder Erwachsene dieses unterhaltsame Spiel lernen und spielen kann. Sudoku ist nicht nur ein gutes Hobby- und Entspannungsspiel, sondern auch ein großartiges Mittel, um das Gedächtnis, das kritische Denken, die Logik und das Lösen von Problemen zu verbessern. Deshalb lieben es Millionen von Männern und Frauen, Sudoku-Rätsel zu lösen. Es ist auf jeden Fall auch ein tolles Mitbringsel und Geburtstagsgeschenk. Holen Sie sich noch heute Sudoku Rätselbücher für Erwachsene Einfach bis Mittelschwer und haben Sie viel Spaß dabei!

I stood in the centre of the room. Transfixed with all the surrounding paraphernalia and toys at my disposal. A surge of excitement was coursing through my veins faster than cocaine travels up a celebrity's £50 note.Through the floor to ceiling windows, I could see the reflection of the bright, July summer sun, glistening off the roof of my Range Rover. Blurred vapours of heat rose from its bonnet, slightly distorting the image of open farmland behind it.I hate the summer. I detest the frivolity and laziness of it. Bring on the autumn. Hurry along and taint the leaves golden brown and decline the temperature. Wash me with cold, stinging, English rain and biting frosts that enliven the nerve endings like a back handed slap from the house prefect.The gun room at Frankie Lottrell's is quite superb, adorned with lashings of walnut, sumptuous leather and polished metals. It could be a Madame's dungeon.Across the back wall I surveyed several items of temptation. All in perfect alignment and pristine. Shotguns, in 50 shades of grey, black and brown, handcrafted and engraved by master craftsmen.But then, I froze. Totally absorbed in the image captured by my eyes. She was an image of total elegance and I was transfixed instantly. Her subtle elegance drew me in like a training collar on a spaniel. I had to have her. Right then, right now and forever.Christ, I hope I have remembered my shotgun certificate.

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Looking to inject some uproarious humor into your life? Look no further than "The Teachers Joke Book" Have lots of fun and laughter with this hilarious teachers joke book. Teachers of all levels will definitely enjoy this collection of funny jokes for teachers. You will simply be rolling on the floor with laughter with some of the teaching gags.Inside these pages of "The Teachers Joke Book", you'll discover a treasure trove of side-splitting jokes, hilarious riddles, and clever puns carefully curated to bring you joy and laughter. Whether you're a seasoned educator or a new teacher finding your stride, "The Teachers Joke Book" is your ultimate companion.. With its diverse range of age-appropriate content, you will find that these carefully selected jokes are more than just punchlines; This book is a delightful compendium of wit and humor. Inside you will find many quality jokes, many cheesy teaching jokes and many funny teaching stories to make you laugh out loud. This mixture of teachers jokes will prove that teachers do have a good sense of humor. This book is guaranteed to get you laughing, so embrace the power of laughter and transform your teaching journey with "The Teacher's Joke Book." and unlock the secret to making your teaching career unforgettable, one laugh at a time!It will also make a great gift for a teacher, so whether you're buying it for yourself, or for someone else...... Buy it now!

Welcome to the Matovich Farm, only a half hour's drive from the glamorous coast of southern California. Meet a pygmy goat who rides on top of a pony, marvel at flying lizards delivering messages, participate in a bloody rock-fight, sleep in a nudist colony cardboard box for two, witness the resurrection of a guinea pig, experience rattlesnake jewelry made before your very eyes, behold how a dead seal can save a family from a watery death... But wait, that's not all. Ducks, dogs, cats, tortoises, horses, chickens, two best friends, two siblings and two parents complete the picture and, lest you think it was all fun and games: thousands and thousands of flies. A wild childhood on an acre and a half of land. Come visit, won't you?

Horror movies meet the horrors of growing up in this unique and hilarious collection of personal essays, which examines the culture shock of aging as seen through the prism of pop culture addiction. Why grow up when you can watch TV, instead? That's the question at the heart of this story, in which multi-award-winning humor columnist Mike Cavaliere captures the funny and surprisingly poignant moments that define our journeys to and through adulthood. Nearly 100 scary movies set the stage for true and sometimes cringeworthy tales - from late-night porta-potty tipping, a school-wide pantsing epidemic and becoming an overnight karate sensation, to receiving a rare disease diagnosis, becoming a stepparent, and wading through memories of love, death, "dance dads" and so much more. THE HUMORIST: ADVENTURES IN ADULTING & HORROR MOVIES captures the moments both silly and sincere that define the process of coming-of-age, weaving in unexpected analogies to the history of horror cinema that speak to our universal need for human connection through cultural objects, the gift of fear and the healing power of laughter.

***CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT. FOR MATURE AUDIENCES WITH VULGAR SENSE OF HUMOR ONLY!*** Get ready to add a dash of spice to your holiday season with "A Very Sweary Christmas"- a raunchy coloring book designed exclusively for adults. Say goodbye to sugar-coated sentiments and hello to festive profanity as you embark on a coloring adventure that's as cheeky as it is cheerful.Inside this jolly yet irreverent coloring book, you'll discover a winter wonderland filled with hilarious illustrations of holiday scenes, quirky characters, and, of course, the occasional naughty elf. Each page is adorned with festive greetings that might make Santa blush, providing the perfect outlet for your grown-up sense of humor.Unleash your creativity and let the stress of the holiday season melt away as you bring these Christmas-themed illustrations to life with your own colorful twist. Whether you're a coloring connoisseur or a holiday humbug in need of a laugh, "A Very Sweary Christmas" is your passport to seasonal serenity, one swear word at a time.This adult coloring book makes for a unique and hilarious gift, adding a touch of merriment to any Christmas celebration. Grab your colored pencils, markers, or crayons, and immerse yourself in the festive fun of "A Very Sweary Christmas." 'Tis the season to color outside the lines, after all! So sit back, relax, and color! ***This book is also available in a color by number edition as well as a 5x8" travel size edition!!! https: //www.amazon.com/dp/1978077467 https: //www.amazon.com/dp/15394756468.5 x 11" single-sided paper means that you can use your favorite art supplies - including pencils, markers, pens, crayons, watercolors and more!2 bonus color test pages allow you to test your coloring mediums and empower you to unleash your creativity and plan your next coloring masterpiece.Enjoy FREE BONUS COLORING PAGES to get a taste of other coloring books you may enjoy.

An uplifting compilation about dogs and all of the reasons that we love them. Not a chronological story, but more of a witty book of canine observations. Do you ever feel a bit awkward due to the stunts that your dog has pulled? Do you ever feel as if you are the only one whose lovable dog embarrasses them at not-so-convenient times? How about those tender and wonderfully sweet moments that you so badly want to brag about, but are afraid others may not understand? If so, you're not alone! All of us dog-lovers can easily relate to the everyday occurrences when it comes to our furry friends because our dog does that too!

Info that changed my life and/or how I looked at things.If you've ever wondered why your clothes come out of the dryer perma-wrinkled, or why, even though your car is overheating, your heater is blowing cold air, or if all that chewing gum you swallowed when you were a kid is messing up your intestines - this is the book for you!Interesting facts about: - People- Food- Cars- Animals- And random interesting thingsThis is a quick easy read for info and giggles and some really cool bits of information!If you're curious and like to have a conversation starter on hand, here's your book! Just click the buy button and find things that could change your life!

Pyramid Crazy MazeThe Ultimate Complicated Level for Maze Explorer, Large Print, 1 Maze per Page, Book III is specially design for Maze Explorer who want more challenge. This maze puzzle game is for everyone: - Teens and Adults, Men or Women, all of them have fun with this games.This book contains 51 Maze Game in Square printed on the large paper (8x10 inch) to allow you to handle easily and convenient to draw the line from start to the finish. Grab this one!!! and train your brain first while waiting for another new release!

THIS IS A COMPLETE BOOK CONTAINING EVERY JOKE & PUN FROM THE LAST OF US PLUS OVER 400 MORE25% of all proceeds will be donated to the Girls Make Games Fellowship Program. No Pun Intended: Volume Too by Will Livingston first debuted to the world as a collectible artifact in the 2013 breakout hit video game, The Last of Us. From there, it has been slowly growing more realistic. First in 2014, in The Last of Us Remastered. Then, it underwent a ground-up re-rendering and gained some glimpses inside its pages in 2022's The Last of Us Part I. Finally, in 2023's groundbreaking HBO series, it took another step towards reality as a beautifully-crafted prop. Now, for the first time, it has been fully completed and brought into our reality... This faithful, detailed replica of Ellie Williams' beloved joke book is more than just a display piece. Its 130 pages are stuffed with over 450 puns, jokes, and wordplays. It begins with the 45 told throughout The Last of Us game, the Left Behind DLC, and HBO's incredible adapted television series. From there, it has over 100 more pages containing over 400 zingers, carefully curated for their Will Livingston-ian style. From cover to blurb, this book replica is the real deal-perfect for display in a collection, accessorizing cosplay, or relieving tension in a post-apocalyptic, fungal hellscape. The back cover blurb reads: HIS WRITING IS LIKE HIS PENCILS . . . SHORT + SHARPGet ready to chuckle, chortle and maybe groan a little with the second handy pun book by comedian Will Livingston. Be the life of any party! Or perhaps the death of it. We accept no blame for cracked ribs, stitched sides or rolled eyes.

Kevin's Verses for Kids of All Kinds is a humorous book full of verses that will be enjoyed by anyone who sees the world through the eyes of a child.

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Author Vincent Yanez never planned on working more than a couple of jobs in his life. Unfortunately, he was born with a short attention span and an inability to stay anywhere that annoyed him. The result is iQuit: The Book of Job(s), a snarky look at one man's refusal to put up with anything he found aggravating, disgusting or downright horrifying.

We all have been bothered by telemarketers in the privacy of our homes...calling when we are sitting down to dinner, plopping on the couch to watch a movie, etc. I've had it with these annoying pests and I am sure that you have too!This humorous book of responses will turn the tables on the irritating intrusion in our lives. If you want to get even with these annoying calls, this book will guide you in various ways that will create peace in your home - one telephone call at a time.You may not be able to completely end all of these annoying calls from telemarketers, but you sure can have fun when they call!

HOW TO TIME TRAVEL is a collection of poems, aphorisms, scientific observations, literary criticisms, and daily strings of words that brought joy between June 2022 and June 2023. Topics include conception, the gigawatt, Eden, my wife, the raspberry, the mango, the computer, sex, dividends, and more. Maybe you are looking for something to brighten your day. Maybe you are looking for something to compound your serious mood. Either way, you'll find something here that'll catch the eye of whoever's sitting next to you as you read it. ----- The question remains: for the love of God, Do we operate? If I cross my legsIn the rain am I gay? If I screen calls, Am I not the founder of consciousness?Is Sanjay Dean the modern savior?Without specifying, if I were to runOut of questions, would that deify me? ----- Come the afterlife, I'm sleeping in.

MATTHEW B. COX IS A CON MAN, incarcerated in the Federal Bureau of Prisons for a variety of bank fraud related scams. Despite not having a drug problem, Cox, inexplicably, ends up in the prison's Residential Drug Abuse Program (known as "RDAP"). A drug program in name only, RDAP, is an invasive behavior modification therapy, specifically, designed to correct the cognitive thinking errors associates with criminal behavior. The Program is a nonfiction dark-comedy which chronicles Cox's sidesplitting journey. This first-person account is a fascinating glimpse at the Survivor-like atmosphere inside of the government sponsored rehabilitation unit. While navigating the treachery of his backstabbing peers, Cox simultaneously manipulates prison policies and the bumbling staff every step of the way

(NOTE: This booklet is a satirical comedy and is not intended to be taken seriously!) This book is also a section found in my 3-part book titled: "Wars Between Book Reviewers and Authors" Why?, you might ask and maybe even in a mean-sounding voice "How Dare I write about such a touchy subject as Book Reviewing?" I would answer that I'm not daring to but rather I am being guided to do it. That unseen substance we might call "Literary Inspiration", "The Guiding Hand of Inspirational Writing" or "I Got an Itch to Write Something", is driving me and I can all but resist it. There are apparently readers out there who need this material to fill a void that can be satisfied by nothing else and I am called upon to fill them up. I am the gas station of words and they are the empty tanks needing the fuel of inspiration... (YES, there's much more!!!) Here's an example of what you'll get in this power-packed instructional resource with over 2,780 words, on how to avoid those nasty book reviews! -- * Introduction(s) *Why People Write Bad Book Reviews Even When They're Not Mad at Anyone *Avoid Bad Reviews by Writing a Threatening Introduction *Format Your Book in Such a Way as to Stun Readers into Giving you Nothing but Good Reviews *My Conclusion ________________________________________ **The History Behind these Comedy/Satire Books: While my largest base of book titles are on health disorder subjects, I also have a significant number of business-related titles published, as well as many on Christian Bible theology. Some people may believe that an author who writes on serious subjects, should not write comedy books because this can discredit them to an extent. Why would this be the case? Should readers rather believe that serious subject writers like myself, who write on subjects such as Christian faith, cannot display the very human trait of a sense of humor? On another point I would mention that with these short humor books, I am also throwing the comedy at controversial subjects, which helps to quell the negative rhetoric they often produce (i.e. exaggerated male and female stereotypes, reviewer and author wars and evolution versus creationism). With them being so different from my serious subject books, I assigned a pen name to them as well, being "Percyvelle Pennington the Third" (also one via pen name: "Fredrick Doyle Wimberley"). He seems more like the guy who wrote them, than I do. Percy is a snide type guy and he is arrogant; traits that I hopefully never display in real life! He does make his points known in his memoirs but in strangely comical ways. A "cheerful heart is a good medicine" according to the Holy Bible, and "laughter is the best medicine" according to Reader's Digest. My thoughts were, that if I could take a few serious or controversial subjects via my compiled articles and create a little comedy from them that makes people smile or laugh, it would be something worth publishing. With the debates going on within these subjects, between people expressing the pros and cons of them, it is my hope that I can lighten the rhetoric a bit by injecting some humor into them. These booklets ARE NOT intended to offend anyone and if you'll notice, I make fun of everyone in them, via my alter writing personality -- Percy P. III (and Mr. Wimberley). It is my hope that readers find the medicine of laughter and cheer within the pages of them, so that they can escape the stressors of life for just a little while!

This is a compendium about a battle with depression, anxiety, hot weather, and militant introversion. It is also about plumbers, spiders, loud neighbours, video games, books, and cats. This book is not a therapy book for those who suffer with depression or anxiety, nor is this book intended as a disparagement or a glorification of my mental and social difficulties; it is a record of how I have learned to cope with them, and is intended as a comedy not a tragedy. I invite everyone to laugh along with me through one of the worst years of my life, and hope that by reading about my tribulations, you will come to understand why I hate summer.

Cher(e) client(e), Nous souhaitons vous informer qu'un aperçu du livre que vous avez sélectionné est disponible en swipant les photos sur notre site. Nous vous encourageons à prendre le temps de parcourir cet aperçu pour avoir une idée précise du contenu et du ton humoristique de ce livre. Le livre est composé de plusieurs pages, et chaque page contient la même série de mots: "Il ne l'est pas".Il est important de noter que ce livre a pour objectif principal de faire un prank à un ami ou à un membre de la famille qui est conservateur ou communiste. Il ne s'agit pas d'un livre d'information sérieux, mais plutôt d'un ouvrage humoristique qui peut contenir des blagues, des caricatures, des parodies ou d'autres éléments humoristiques.Nous tenons à souligner que si vous avez l'intention d'offrir ce livre à quelqu'un, il est de votre responsabilité de vous assurer que la personne concernée sera réceptive à ce type d'humour. Nous vous invitons à être respectueux(se) et à ne pas offenser ou blesser qui que ce soit avec ce livre.Enfin, nous tenons à réitérer que toute erreur de commande qui ne prend pas en compte le caractère humoristique de ce livre ne sera pas recevable pour un retour ou un remboursement.Merci de votre compréhension et de votre confiance.Cordialement.