Böcker av Brad Gosse

Today is the day of the very big race. White car, black car and yellow car too. Who will win the race wars? If you only knew.

The holidays are when we go. To grandmas house right through the snow. We love her turkey cannot lie. Until gran gets that look in her eye. One drink. Two drink. Three drink. Four. Grandma suddenly remembers the war. Remember why to keep a straight face. When light dinner conversation turns to race. Even while the gifts unwrap. Grandma won't shut up about the japs. Black people. Brown people. Polish or Jew. Our grandmother probably hates you. On the drive home our daddy will say. Remember we didn't bring you up that way. Dad claims to be an equality defender. Until the conversation, turns to gender

Your mom does important work at her job. And volunteers on weekends to clean up after slobs. She does all the shopping and takes care of you. But after you go to sleep she's got nothing to do. She spends lots of time on her tablet. And phone. What does she do at night when she's all alone?. Her notifications don't seem to relax. Yep. You guessed it. Mom's posting thirst traps. She loves it when randoms slide in her dms. She says she can't make any female friends. Your mom's a good lady. I'm spitting straight facts. Just let her enjoy her nightly thirst traps.

We all know that person who has a racist dog. This book is the perfect gift for your dog owning friend.Doctor Please HelpMy Little Dog JackHe Only Likes Whitesand That Is a Fact

Everyone loves ice cream when it comes to your street on a truck. But there are a lot of unanswered questions about the ice cream man like where does he pee and how does he get clean?

Monkey's are cute. But they aren't great pets. Your mom brought one home. Now your bed is all wet. George is what you named. Your new friend. He seems cute today. But well, this won't end. We sent him away. To a very nice place. But your mom won't recover. He tore off her face.

Boomer always complains at the store. When yesterday's special isn't available anymore. Boomer gives unsolicited advice. Boomer always struggles with his device. Boomer demands your supervisor. And never orders the appetizer. Boomer travels all the time. And still maintains a landline. Boomer denies climate change. And always goes to the driving range. Boomer maintains a perfect lawn. To help forget the children have gone. Boomer unknowingly makes racial slurs. And doesn't believe in entrepreneurs. Boomer wants to tell you she's broke. And recognizes the signs of a stroke. Boomer still reads the morning paper. And protests against new skyscrapers. Boomer always trims his hedges. Against black people, she always alleges

When your mommy died. Your dad had it rough. He got himself right. Even though it was tough. So he set himself up with a dating profile. He shaved off his stubble. And polished his smile. It's been a long time since your dad went on dates. And he came home happy. Everything turned out great. But things seem strange with your dads new lady. He's taking her on lots of big shopping trips lately. She's not even affectionate with your dear old dad. Always too tired for sex and that's bad. And then something happened that seems kinda strange. He bought her a house. Just a few blocks away. His girlfriend won't touch him. She calls him a wimp. I'm sorry to tell you your daddy's a simp.

Born with an oversized throat so grand, A rare condition you'd never planned, Swallowing objects with greatest ease, Her presence at parties, always a tease. White and fluffy, a female goat, With a giant neck, she likes to gloat, She'll take things down, both large and small, She's Becky the Throat Goat, standing tall.

Braydon Was Swallowed By A PelicanA House Plant Killed Baby ChristianMandy Was Drowned In A Mob HitColton Was Surprised When His Pet Snake BitKira Was Clawed Buy A Monkey At The ZooRicky Choked On Dads Old Coins Boo HooRey Had A Head Injury And DiedKali Overdosed On Nitrous OxideJay Was Killed By Building DebrisBreyden Died Under The Branches Of TreesCoolface Was Killed In A Game Of DartsKodie Was Killed Surfing With The SharksA Pitchfork Killed Sage At The FarmLex Lost His Legs And His ArmsGavin Choked On A SquidLayne Was Force Fed A Bottle Of AcidBatch Died Alone On The Tire SwingBinoculars Killed Drew, He Was Bird WatchingRon Was Stabbed In The Back Of His HeadThe Iron Fell On Heather And Killed Her Dead

Mittens Peed in moms laptop case. Benny rubbed dead racoon all over his face. Alex bit off your left pinky toe. Polly chewed your eye and even swallowed. Fluffy can't stop bringing home dead birds. Homer ate too many animal turds. Barbie coughed up a lot of hairballs. This dog got anxious and scratched up a wall. Bo-bo always smells like piss. Rex is about to have a meeting with dads fists. This cat attacked your pet hamster named Duke. We're putting Chucky down because he always pukes. Kramer went to the pound for having smelly shits. This cat is in trouble for throwing hissy fits. Foster Stained the freshly cleaned carpet. Mimi shreds everything we bring home from the market. Cody drags his dirty ass on the clean floor. Tigger hides dead rodents behind the closet door. Winston tore off your moms pretty face. Tony ate the dog. so we sent him to a nice place.

Talk to the boss. You might be getting fired. Unpaid parking tickets. Your attention is required. Doctor says bend over and cough. Hot step mom wants to help you get off. THIS couch, for money, is where you must goes. Sometimes a fireman needs to empty his hose. In bed with one lover. the other hides away. ordered a pizza. Can't afford to pay. Picked up a hitch hiker. She can't thank you enough. You wound up in prison and it's gonna get rough. HOT step sister and friend stole your PS4. You got caught shoplifting at your favourite store. You went for a massage that came with a feel. You met with a realtor but only closed one deal. The plumber is here. Your pipes need to be cleaned. Step-sister is stuck in the washing machine.

14 of Brad's most popular dark humour books in one volume. Enjoy titles like: 18 Ways To Tell Kids That Their Parents DiedBuster: The Perverted GhostCandi's Nuts: Come in the morning each dayClip Clop: The Racist Horse CopGluck Gluck 9000Ice Cream Man: Goes Pee In The Back Of His TruckMike Hunt: Smells Like FishMom Runs Trains: On the weekend with dad's friendsMy Racist Dog: Only Trusts WhitesSlappy Will: Kids Guide To Bullying in the WorkplaceStar Whores: Sex Workers Across The GalaxySweat Shop Kids: Make Everything You OwnThere Is No Farm: Kids Guide To Understanding EuthanasiaWhy Daddy Hits Mommy: Kid's Guide To Understanding AlcoholismThese books are also available individually.Full colour pages and cover art included.

Luis Stopped Hanging From The CeilingPeyton Died From Internal BleedingHunter Met His End With A GuillotineCruz Was Eaten By His Lizard ChristineKarma Was Killed By A Sea ShellClimbing A Gate That's What Killed DanielleAzy Was Amputated By His Angry LawyerA Head Injury Is How We Lost SawyerOwen Put A Big Knife Into His MouthRoyce Was Killed On A Fishing Trip In The SouthTimmer Was Playing With His Dads Nail GunSebastian Was Bitten By A ScorpionBigbigspoon Was Caught In A Trap Full Of SpikesAmber Successfully Went Into The LightSamantha Died Because She Didn't ThinkCole Had His Brain Turned Into A DrinkEdgardo Died In A Little Car CrashRob Was Stabbed While Having A BathDargan Choked On His Dads TieJames Glued His Face Shut And Died

Your new step mom seems nice. She makes your dad happy. But she wants more from him. It'll make your life crappy. She prayed every day. For someone please maybe. To deliver a man. Who could give her a baby. Your dad has old sperm. But your stepmom can still. Carry a baby to term. Meet your new brother Bill. "ours baby" is what your stepmom proclaims. In just a few days. She won't want to hear your names. She has a baby with her dna. So go get a job. Right now. Today. Stepmom says it's time to move out. Now you know what "ours baby" is actually about.

Humpty Dumpty started a new job. Humpty Dumpty shows co- workers his knob. He makes jokes about sexual orientation. And emailed a co-worker with the subject: "Oral Fixation". He doesn't understand inappropriate touch. His secret Santa gifts are way too much. He's always suggesting awkward things. And gives people nicknames that really sting. He forwards emails that always offend. Always demanding Hugs that never seem to end. He makes offensive stereotypes when it comes to gender. When he gets in trouble he says he "didn't mean to offend her". His workplace activities are sexually inspired. And That's why Humpty Dumpty always gets fired.

You people need to get back this building's gonna blow. You people can't BBQ in the graveyard you know. You people can't put your recycling in the trash. You people shouldn't carry around that much cash. You people go out for dinner a lot. You people can't stop here in this spot. You people really get into your sports. You people know this place doesn't allow shorts? You people can't walk your dogs in this park. You people can't swim here. beware of sharks. You people need to quarantine for 14 days. You people are going to have a 3 hour wait. You people have room for one more? You people can once again use this door.

Unicorns aren't real. Buckle in. I'm about to hit you in the feels. Tooth fairies are completely fake. You found moms money when you were awake. Nobody knows why they pay for your teeth with cash. Old teeth are gross. They wind up in the trash. Yaaaay teeth!. Easter celebrates the day Jesus died. We Told stories of bunnies and chocolate. Who knows why? WTF is A Leprechaun anyway? Nobody has a fairy godmother okay? Daddies boyfriend was never your "uncle" Todd. cupid is a total fraud. Noah never built an ark to save the species. IF you make a funny face it will never freeze. dragons aren't real with their mouths ablaze. Thanksgiving wasn't really the happiest of days. We know there aren't any real fairies. And we're pretty sure there's no such thing as zombies. There's no such thing as a 5-second rule. making up Santa Claus was extra cruel. It's time to Swallow your reality pills. Get ready for a life of paying taxes and bills.

When your parents split up your dad vacated. That's when he irrationally overcompensated. You didn't understand. You just got a new horse. Nobody thought this through. They were busy with divorce. Cinnamon is what you named your new friend. But he was too big for us to keep in the end. You keep that horse I don't want him back. The stable doesn't want him they say he's a burden. And the house is filling up with smelly horse turden. Cinnamon can't stay. I hate to tell you. He's off to visit a factory that only makes glue. Glue is made from a variety of horse parts. You'll remember cinnamon when Doing your art.

Gabe Was Squashed By A Barrel In A BarFoominchew Was Preserved In A Glass JarTayler-Jean Was Killed With A Wodden ShieldValerie Played With Fireworks By The FieldMackenzie Was Scratched Slowly By Her CatSlusher's Guts Were Chewed By A Trapped RatLee Got Into The Repellant For PestsCavein Was Stabbed Right In The ChestLyric Was Stabbed With A Frozen SwordfishA Cordless Drill Killed Little ChrisBurt Was Hit In The Head With A RockBrayden Was Crushed Under A BlockTrent Was Tied Up And Burned To A CrispMikey Was Decapitated Snip SnipSamara Was Killed By The Frog Of A TreeA Sword Sliced Holly In Half Like CheeseBryce Was Killed By A Flying ArrowGabie Was Murdered By A Bird Named JoeSummer Died And Then Got Eaten By RatsAndrea Ran With Scissors. How Dumb Was That?

Money is what your parents will struggle to earn. So There's no better time for us to learn. All of the ways Rich kids have it way better than you. From your piss poor grammar to the holes in your shoe. Bradford has his own rooftop pool. Laurene rides in a stretched Escalade. It's really cool. Warren has a private butler in his parents mansion. Richard's family wealth is always in a mode of expansion. Salma has her own private cabana beach. For Edmund, any career is well within reach. Every month Sandra gets a new designer bag. Yelena's new waterskis have much less drag. Abigail's parents have stocked fridges in the garage. Elon gets a regular massage. Gerald can get into the college of his choosing. he'll graduate even thoUGH he. spent the whole time boozing. No matter what happens he'll land on his feet. His dads connections will keep him among the elite. Winston has 12 birthdays reach year. Hilton sleeps soundly every night without any fear. Life ISN'T easy when your parents are poor. But You might get a job cleaning a rich persons floor.

Use the internet to make friends with new strangers. Throw sharp objects at your brother. Ignoring the danger. Aim a laser pointer from your bedroom window at planes. Try jumping off your roof again and again. Practice throwing a bowling ball at your baby brother. Try firing sharp arrows at your mother. Try some new dance moves out in your bathroom. Make a small campfire in your messy bedroom. Try putting a finger into your cat's butt. Try calling your mother a dirty old slut. If he drives you crazy. Tell your dad to go to hell. Push your mom down the stairs. Tell the cops that she fell. Hide your baby sister from your parents in the attic. If you don't get your way try being dramatic. A great cure for boredom is to eat some junk food. Try sticking your dad's butt to the toilet with glue.

Old ladies will hit you with frying pans. You always need to wash your hands. Never spit in another kids mouth. Aviod the kkk when you visit the south. During a pandemic you should wear a mask. Don't sneeze into anyone's glass. Don't rub your face on the handles of a car. Being a yes man won't get you very far. Whatever happens don't beat a dead horse. Make sure to always know when the ball's in your court. Don't eat garbage for crying out loud. Don't spend your life with your head in the clouds. Never lick a dirty toilet seat. When you pick your nose. You should never eat. Please don't lick your friends phone screen. Never fuel the fire with gasoline. Don't share used bubble gum with your friends. You can't spend forever sitting on the fence. Don't put your lips on the knob of a door. Never eat food you find on the floor. People will use guns to defend their house. Always wear a condom when you bang somebodies spouse.

Your house is a mess. From the top to the bottom. Unliveable at best. And the kitchen smells rotten. Your parents are hoarders. Can't throw anything away. It's a mental disorder. Now you'll have to pay. A call to the cops. Your parents go to court. Foster care next stop. It was your last resort. Try hard not to moan. Your parents negligent. Now you're on your own. And your sister can't make rent.

What if one can swim and the other can not? Can just one of them become an astronaut? How often do they need a diaper change? If they grew 100 feet tall wouldn't that be strange? When they ride the bus to they pay one price? Have they ever been trapped underneath the ice? Are they a by-product of nuclear radiation? Have they ever been left outside a fire station? If one commits arson does the other one squeal? Have they ever been served as a rich persons meal? What if one is employable and the other can't work? Have they ever been left at the side of the road by a jerk? Will they ever be able to surf gnarly waves? Can one go to church if the other prefers home stays? Can they still find a job at the circus? Have they ever tried the stand up comedy circuit? Have they ever blown away in a tropical storm? Has a government ever weaponized them for war? Do they need a special saddle to ride a horse? Do they count as one or two at the golf course? Do they attend conjoined therapy in a group? What if one likes hot and the other cold soup? What if one gets rich while the other is poor? Could they ever have a career in parkour? Do they ever go clubbing and party till the light of day? Could they ever become president of the USA?

Dad had unprotected butt sex with a strange man. His visit to the doctor wasn't planned. So he took you to the zoo, so he could explain. Gonorrhea causes yellow discharge and pain. Remember when mom brought home that stranger?. She got the aids. Not knowing the danger. That unprotected sex can bring to you. So wrap up your junk whatever you do. Chlamydia may stop you from having kids. Crabs aka public lice is easy for you to rid. Syphilis starts out as a few painless sores. Hpv can end up being so much more. Also called genital warts it may lead to cancer. Herpes has no cure. Now you have the answers. About stds so now you know. to always wear condoms when you sleep with the hoes.

Karen can't seem to mind her own business. And believes there is a war on Christmas. Karen feels safe in her gated community. When her kids get in trouble they deserve immunity. She doesn't like black kids playing at the beach. When she meets the manager there's always a speech. She reports everything she hates on tiktok. Because she doesn't get enough cock. She yells at everyone over the phone. Her husband left. For the secretary he bones. Karen's always protesting this or that. She gets ghosted in her online chats. Karen wants to be treated like a queen. And cares too much about how she is seen. Karen forces her kids to poop. And demands the most attention in group.

Welcome to the vet. We have many sick Pets. Many will die. So don't get upset. This dog has cancer. This cat has fleas. This cat has aids. This dog always pee's. This cat got diseased when he ate a sick mouse. This dog is too anxious to leave his own house. This cat has a fever caused by the flu. This dog got sick from licking dirty shoes. This cat will die in a couple of days. Abandoned when sick. This dog is now a stray. This cat has distemperment It makes him go crazy. This dog throws up. he's become very lazy. This cat got sick and nobody knows why. This dog is so sick we have to let him die. This dog got stung by a nasty ass bee. This cat got hurt falling out of a big tree. We discovered something wrong with this dogs poo. This dog can't keep dinner down. He always has to puke. This dog was dirty. She just needed a shower. This dog is helpless he'll be dead within the hour.

Kids love cows. And we love you right back. It all starts here. In the cow killing shack. First they stun me to knock me out. Then hang me upside down and slice open my throat. They peel off my skin and stick me in a freezer. Feeding you is my destiny. I'm so very pleaser. Follow me now along to the next stop. We're going to visit your local butcher shop. Where they cut my dead body into various treats. Then grind up the rest. Hooray for mystery meat. My whole life is planned from my birth to my murder. And I want you to enjoy my delicious hamburgers. Don't cry for me kid. It's important to know. That cow meat is tasty from my head to my toe.