Böcker av Mad Comedy

Tired of the same old jokes? This is the greatest collection of fresh, clean, modern jokes by America's top comics! The Ph.D. Q: How do you get someone with a Ph.D. in gender studies from Yale off your front porch? A: Pay zir for the pizza. The Vegan Activitst A young college man was a vegan, having sworn off all manner of animal products, and loudly proclaimed to anyone within earshot on campus that eating meat was tantamount to murder. He became quite vocal on social media, leading a campaign to restrict meat and meat products. He was elected to the student council based on his passionate vegan beliefs. But despite all that, he couldn't help thinking about just a little bit of pork. Delicious, crispy bacon. A ham sandwich. A pork chop. Over time, the desire overwhelmed him. He had to have some pork. Of course, if anyone saw him, he'd be ruined, so he had to do it in secret. He decided to take an Uber way out of town to a restaurant where no one would see him. After sitting down and perusing the menu, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name. To his great chagrin, he saw that several of the leading campus vegetarians and vegans were walking towards him! Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over carrying a huge platter holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The young man paused, looking up at his friends. The smell of roasted pork hung in the air. The juicy red apple glimmered in the pig's mouth. "Can you believe this?" he says. "All I ordered was an apple!" The Lyft Driver Having gotten too old to drive, every day at 11 am an old grandma uses the phone her grandson gave her to order a Lyft to pick her up and take her to her bridge game at the club. Every day, she gets the same driver. And every day, she slowly climbs into the back of the car and offers the driver a bag of peanuts. The Lyft driver happily accepts the peanuts, and munches away throughout the ride. This goes on for weeks. At first, the driver enjoys the peanuts, but after a few weeks of eating them, he asks the old woman not to bring him any more peanuts. "I appreciate it, but please don't bring me peanuts. Enjoy them yourself." "Oh, no, I can't eat them!" she said. "Why not?" the driver asked. The granny answers: "Well, I don't have my teeth anymore, so I just suck the chocolate off and give the peanuts to you."

Every family has a dirty uncle. In my family, it was Uncle Dan. Pour a couple beers in him, and he'd start telling inappropriate jokes in front of the whole disapproving family. "A girl only has one heart, so playing with her heart is wrong," Uncle Dan advised. "Play with her boobs instead -- she's got two of those." "I'm feeling a bit depressed today: I just noticed I've got a gray pubic hair," he said. "I didn't freak out too much when I found it, but the people in the elevator with me looked horrified." Uncle Dan shook his head sadly and said, "Some people say there are no rules when it comes to love. Unfortunately for me, the judge disagreed." "They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends," Uncle Dan said as he swigged his beer. "I hope it's Michael - he's super cute." "My girlfriend recently became a world-famous porn star," Uncle Dan said proudly. "She's gonna be really angry when she finds out." "How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Uncle Dan asked my young cousin, who looked up, confused. "Only one," he said, "but it takes two paramedics to get it back out." This book contains years of Uncle Dan's cringey, pervy, inappropriate jokes that ruined many family Thanksgivings, birthday parties, summer barbecues, and Christmases. Don't say you weren't warned!

From the comic geniuses at Mad Comedy comes a collection of hilarious jokes mocking the political left. Liberals, Progressives, Socialists, Communists, Democrats -- no matter what they call themselves, we just call them funny! The BedbugsBedbugs appeared in the Democrat National Committee headquarters. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a junior congresswoman but the de facto head of the Democrat party, summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said, "There is only one proven way to get rid of bedbugs: Socialism.""Socialism?" asked the befuddled Congresswoman."Yes," says the expert, nodding, "If you turn them into Socialists, half of them will flee and the rest will starve to death."

The limerick, a form of doggerel poetry that arose from an ancient folk art, has an immediately recognizable form and rhythm -- and vulgarity - that has charmed audiences for centuries: Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex.They usually have virgins, And masculine urgings, And other erotic effects. Inside this book are hundreds of the most famous - and famously dirty - limericks ever collected, with an exploration of the history of this ribald art form. This book also endeavors to teach the reader to create their own limericks, but with a warning: The limerick's structure somewhat necessitates eloquent smut.If you haven't the timeto learn meter and rhyme, then don't write them, you ignorant slut.

There are dirty jokes, and then there are jokes so depraved, so awful, so disturbed that even the raunchiest comic wouldn't dare tell them. These are those jokes. These are the filthiest jokes ever told. This book is full of jokes that use the most taboo subjects - disgusting bodily functions, shockingly illicit sex, revolting acts with animals -- to make the reader simultaneously laugh and cringe. But this book goes beyond sharing jokes so filthy that no reputable person would be caught reading it. Professional comedians teach you tricks and techniques to write, deliver, and land a truly vulgar joke of your own.

"Mad Comedy presents the ultimate collection of riotously funny new jokes from America's top standup comics."--Publisher annotation.